woke up around 530. got my coffee, had my cigarette. slipped into a wonderfully cool morning and got into a cramped bus full of people with plans. Went into robot mode as all of the people hurried in all these different directions fulfilling their plans. felt like a robot waiting for the hours to pass. acknowledged to myself that I felt like a robot too often. slipped into a hot, endless day. rushed around to fulfill my plans. carried my wonderful cedar guitar. sat in classrooms feeling cynical about teachers and peers. ran into some swell people. more heat. rested in the coolest building I’d found all day. shared my music with a friendly professor, and wished to myself that my plans this year would actually pass. received some validation, but not without some uncertainty. felt like a human. slipped back to my new home. found some wonderfully wide-eyed friends waiting for me. watched them bumble about in their love-drunk state. laughed with these friends. wrote about it. went to bed.
“’I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. And even the inside of your own mind is endless. It goes on forever inwardly. Do you understand? Being the Fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to be bored.”—
There’s a weird sort of resignation when it comes to hope, living somewhere new. My thoughts seem to be following almost perfect patterns lately as an old state gives way to a new one. Curiosity at why people shut you out or let you in, frustration at a lack of internal reaction to new surroundings, and some gross cynicism at the future, at the way other people seem to deal with these things. I’m pouring myself into a single thing, and even that is frustrating. If mass-media has the purpose of making people feel like they don’t have everything they need, they’re joking themselves. I’m convinced that this thing lurking around new spaces and old spaces making us think that way is immortal. The barriers people construct to defend from this thing seems to just aggravate things. But, even now I doubt my own musings. Maybe it’s just the adjustment that’s difficult. I think I’ll focus on where I want to be, and not concern myself with where I am. (sorry yoda). People’s actions though, are clearly what define them more than anything else. So, the focus on the future needs to be reacted to, daily. Otherwise it’s pretty pointless.
to make this have a point for everyone who’s not me…